When I was pregnant with my first child (my daughter), I literally had no idea what I was getting myself into. And please trust me when I say that I don’t use the word literally when I really mean figuratively. I had the confidence of ignorance. An image in my head of an ideal – an ideal birth, an ideal child, ideal parenting…perfection, based on a set of unfair and largely unachievable expectations. Hopes, dreams, plans. I often say that parenthood is 100% different than I thought it would be; both 100% better and 100% more challenging.
What happens when our hopes and plans are replaced with a reality that is less than ideal and less than perfect? And what happens when the other parents we know put up a front of perfection and shame those who parent differently or are unable to achieve the ideal?
Confusion. Guilt. Shame. Feelings of inadequacy. Feeling less than.
If you are lucky, you adapt, you ignore the mean people on the internet, you move on, you adjust your expectations to reflect reality and surround yourself with imperfect, snarky supporters (people, you know who you are). You still feel shame, fear and inadequacy, but you allow yourself to also feel tremendous joy, love and fulfillment.
Shortly after my second child (my son) was born, I was diagnosed with Insufficient Glandular Tissue (IGT). Basically, I didn’t have enough of the right kind of breast tissue necessary to produce enough milk for my babies. Depending on who you ask within the lactation field, this condition impacts less than 1% or as many as 5% of women. Probably more, as many women choose formula from the start or give up breastfeeding without a diagnosis. I have always wanted to be special (kidding). I find it ironic that the name of this condition matched how it made me feel – insufficient.
In a way that diagnosis was also freeing. I wish I had been diagnosed with it when my daughter was a newborn. I finally knew what was wrong with me. I could finally let go of some of the stress and shame.
After my daughter was born, I wasn’t able to produce enough breast milk. She had to go to the NICU for weight loss (20% of her birth weight), dehydration and jaundice. With formula supplements, she quickly started gaining and became a healthy, beautiful baby. However, my life became about feeding her. Each breastfeeding session took an hour – filling the supplemental nursing system (a bottle with a tube to feed her at my breast), getting her to latch, inserting the tiny tube and then switching sides. After each feeding, I pumped. And then a little while later, we started again. I took several herbal supplements and a prescription drug for which I paid about $200 a month from a compounding pharmacy. My midwife would only prescribe two months’ supply. My life became feeding baby K and building my supply. I ate all of the foods reputed to boost supply, drank my weight in water and tried to get enough sleep... See article at http://groundedparents.com/2014/07/30/insufficient/
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